I’ve invited Selwyn in to the studio today to talk about his recent experiences. Arioch has tagged along.
Selwyn, so kind of you to come.
Selwyn: I was very close to vowing to never talk to you again.
I’m sorry, was it really that bad?
Selwyn: Bad? It was hell – complete with horns and cloven hooves. And did I mention before – NO PENIS!
Yeah, sorry about that.
Selwyn: And the tail? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to walk with a tail? The harder I tried to walk in some semblance of normalcy the more pronounced that infernal “waggle” became.
Arioch: But you do have to admit, you made a mighty fine woman with that waggle. If I hadn’t been your brother… what’s the saying? I would “tap dat ass.”
Selwyn shoots Arioch a withering glare.
Selwyn: Does “dog dick red” mean anything to you?
Arioch: Ouch! That was pretty low.
Selwyn: You have no idea what it was like; fending off the advances of those burly spacegoats and their invitations to Shadowmoon Valley… and I don’t even know what a transgoto is but I was told repeatedly I had a nice one. Humans and their mustaches, it’s like roadkill on their upper lip. And don’t even get me started on gnomes! I have no idea how someone “accidentally” ends up under a floor-length skirt – repeatedly.
Well now you’re back and all your bits are back in the proper places?
Selwyn: Yes, finally. I can walk properly again and can stand to pee.
Good to see the important things are taken care of. Moving on, what do you do these days?
Selwyn: I check in with the jewelcrafter in Orgrimmar most days to see if she needs any help. And I’m on standby for saving the world. But other than that, not much.
I heard Nearityah came back across with you. I recall a couple screenshots of the two of you, didn’t you have an interest in her?
Arioch: Too bad my little brother is too shy to do anything about it.
Selwyn: Oh, shut up! Yes, she came back as well.
And how are things going?
Selwyn: Well, um, she’s a troll now.
Is there a problem with that?
Selwyn: Well, she’s still attractive, and her hips seem to be quite a bit more, ah, flexible… but I’m a little apprehensive about the tusks.
Arioch laughs harder.
Selwyn: And she doesn’t blink. It’s a little unnerving. I keep trying to work up to asking her out and my eyes just start watering every time I talk to her.
Arioch laughs even harder.
Arioch: Dodging tusks isn’t that hard. And trust me, the non-blinking won’t be bothering you once you see what those hips can do.
Well, I think we’ve gotten as much as we’re going to get out of this conversation on this side of decency. I’ll leave you two to discuss the finer points of inter-racial relations. Thank you for your time, and welcome back to the Horde.